I've Been Matchmaking for Master's and PhD Holders for 10 Years: Social Status Matching Made a Comeback, but Love Disappeared

Currently, matching families based on social status is essentially an “one-to-one” precise match, making it difficult for obvious disparities to occur. Especially for men, if a few years ago, as long as their economic conditions were good enough, they often didn’t care much about a woman’s background or financial status because traditional marriage templates assumed men should be stronger. But now, things are different.

Text | Xu Qing

Editor | Yang

Operations | Bu Niao

Source | Daily Character (ID: meirirenwu)

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About ten years ago, high-end matchmaking platforms for the 985 universities began to emerge. Most registered users had degrees from key or prestigious universities, with considerable income, and their expectations for a partner were often within similar social strata.

These platforms once sparked widespread public discussion. In an era that advocates “true love above all,” overly emphasizing social matching was seen as undermining a generation’s faith in love. Ten years later, social matching has become a widely accepted standard in the matchmaking market, and terms like “A9 family” are no longer niche. However, the success rate of high-end matchmaking has plummeted.

Brother Wen is the founder of a matchmaking platform for master’s and doctoral graduates. Over the years of operating the platform and community, he has observed that the change is not in people’s views on marriage and love themselves, but in the broader societal environment, which in turn influences their choices in love and marriage.

As “985 matchmaking” gradually becomes less effective, what changes have occurred in our world? Here is Brother Wen’s account.

/ Matchmaking Failures Showcase /

Around the Chinese New Year, the demand for matchmaking peaks. When I go home, relatives start discussing marriage prospects, urging marriage, and the pressure mounts. During this period, we’ve seen a noticeable increase in inquiries—people buying platform memberships to add more friends, or opting for one-on-one matchmaking services costing over ten thousand yuan, where we help screen suitable candidates and arrange meetings.

While more people are purchasing memberships and services, success rates remain low. A few days ago, a girl from Shanghai born in 1992 came to consult. She wants to get married and have two children, but after several failed dates, she told me, “Recently, I’ve been anxious and unable to sleep for a month or two.” I was quite surprised. I had only heard of parents feeling anxious and insomnia over their children’s lack of a partner, but now I realize the person directly involved is also anxious.

On social media, the voice of “not marrying or having children” is loud, but in reality, the scene is quite different—like a silent spiral. Many want to marry, but they don’t speak out loudly.

▲ Image / “Tokyo Daydream Girl”

The decreasing success rate of matchmaking is something I’ve felt very clearly over the past two years.

A user on our platform told me he might meet sixty or seventy people in a year, some even over a hundred. They meet frequently—meeting three or four in a weekend is normal—quickly screening, only meeting again if they find someone suitable. But even with such high frequency, they still can’t find the right person. Many keep dating and remain single.

On our platform, the number of people who have never been in a relationship is much higher than I expected, especially girls born in the 90s who have never dated. These people have no long-term dating experience, making it even harder to find a partner because they have higher expectations for love and see their first relationship as very important. Plus, if they are doing well in life, they tend to wait for a relatively perfect partner before starting a relationship.

Some might think that unsuccessful matchmaking is because their conditions are too poor. Not true. A female client born in 1990, very beautiful, earning over a million yuan annually, with excellent financial conditions, and frequently approached by suitors in real life, came to us for one-on-one matchmaking. She wanted to find a younger man, roughly born between 1990 and 1998, with an annual income over 500,000 yuan, height over 180cm, with a bachelor’s or master’s degree from a top university or with studying abroad experience. If it was just dating, she could find very satisfying options, but considering marriage, the service becomes very challenging. After evaluation, we didn’t take her case. She couldn’t understand why, since in real life, she does have many younger brothers pursuing her.

Having good conditions isn’t the key to success in matchmaking; the key is the other person’s conditions. We’ve encountered many typical cases.

A male client with an average appearance but very high standards for women’s looks. We showed him nearly twenty photos of women—most of whom looked quite pretty, not just with regular features—but he only liked two or three. When we contacted them, they all declined. Essentially, the women he liked weren’t interested in him. In the end, we refunded part of his payment and terminated the service. It’s not entirely our fault—such services are highly subjective, and it’s hard to persuade someone who simply isn’t attracted to others.

▲ Image / “Sudden Attraction”

Another male client, an entrepreneur with two companies, one of which is preparing to go public. He asked us to introduce women for him to have children with, but without getting married. My first thought was that he wanted to protect his assets and avoid legal ties. But he also had strict requirements for height, appearance, and education. Such requests are very difficult for us to fulfill. Women aren’t fools—who would want an unprotected marriage? We ultimately declined his case.

Having encountered so many seemingly “ridiculous” cases, I realize that contemporary people’s views on love and marriage are deeply influenced by the broader environment. During economic downturns, people are less optimistic about the future and lack a sense of security, so they naturally pay more attention to social matching. Rising divorce rates also make people more cautious about marriage. The increasing awareness of gender equality and women’s independence subtly influence both sides’ expectations in matchmaking.

Additionally, the proliferation of elite educational dating apps like Mo Shang Hua Kai, Li Xiang Dao, Qing Teng Zhi Lian… everyone has registered on two or three of these platforms. With more options, the threshold for meeting the opposite sex lowers, and people don’t cherish their current partners as much. Unconsciously, expectations for the other half increase. Unlike before, when meeting someone you liked was rare and precious, that sense of cherish is gradually fading.

All these macro-level changes have gradually seeped into the emotional lives of contemporary people.

/ Gender Segregation Between Men and Women /

Our platform has been around for ten years. In the beginning, the most common words people used were “easy to talk to” and “values aligned.” Back then, people believed that spiritual resonance was the most important for a couple to live together. Now, those words are rarely mentioned; “conditions” have become the top priority—especially economic conditions.

Interestingly, both men and women care about conditions, but their priorities and rankings differ.

For men, women’s appearance and age are the top concerns. Looks are hard to quantify—everyone has their own standards. Age is generally more favorable the younger it is. Almost all men prefer women younger than themselves. Men born around 1985 tend to imagine dating women born in the 90s or even 95s; men born around 1995 are more likely to accept peers. From our perspective, women born in the 90s are still quite young, but feedback from our platform shows that women born in 1990, now 35, find it more difficult.

On the women’s side, the top considerations are the man’s financial condition and height. Financial status needs no elaboration; height may stem from considerations about the next generation.

▲ Image / “Joyful Parent Group”

It’s not that other conditions aren’t important—they are—but their priorities differ. A high-quality man from prestigious universities like Tsinghua or Fudan, or with overseas study experience, will choose a woman from a second- or third-tier university if her looks and age meet his standards. Conversely, a highly accomplished woman, even a post-00s, might be willing to match with an older, wealthy man.

These are real cases. A man born in 1983, 43 years old, told us he was looking for a partner born after 1994—11 years younger. At first, we thought it was impossible due to the age gap, but most of the women we recommended were willing to meet.

Looking back, why did it work? This man graduated from Tsinghua or Peking University, then studied at a top U.S. university, with excellent financial conditions, owning properties in Beijing, Shanghai, and the U.S. His appearance is refined and not aged. His assets could reach the A9 level—based on the recent social platform trend of “A+ digit” asset grading, where A is Asset and 9 is nine figures, meaning over a billion yuan. A8 would be in the tens of millions.

When conditions match—top university + strong financial background for men, young + beautiful for women—the results are usually good. But if they don’t match, it’s very frustrating.

In the matchmaking market, a woman’s high income isn’t always a plus for some men. There’s a mismatch. Women with high income naturally want to find men with higher income and better conditions overall. But in reality, when a woman has a strong financial position, her options in the marriage market are still narrower than those of men with similar economic status.

The same applies to education. Most users on our platform hold master’s or doctoral degrees. I’ve found that female PhDs generally require their male partners to have at least a master’s degree, while male PhDs usually only expect their female partners to have a bachelor’s.

There are unfair aspects in the marriage market, but there are also relatively fair sides. Men are picky about women, and women are equally picky about men. Many shorter men find it very hard to find a partner. A client with a height of 168cm, owning a small apartment in Shanghai, from an ordinary working-class family, wanted a beautiful girl. We advised him to consider lowering his standards for looks, but he refused. Later, we tried to connect him with a few women, but they all declined, and we eventually refunded his fee.

▲ Image / “Young Babylon”

When everyone is overly focused on conditions, some interesting phenomena emerge. Men on dating apps often exaggerate their height—an inch or two is common, but some claim 173cm when they’re actually around 167cm. When it comes to women, the most common complaint is the gap between photos and real appearance. Some men tell us they’ve met ten women, and seven or eight of them disappointed them noticeably.

Another common concealment is financial status. Since our platform doesn’t verify assets, some exaggerate or fake their wealth. Divorce history is also frequently faked—many born in the 80s and 90s have divorced, especially those without children, and sometimes they hide this early in the process.

Personally, I think if there are no children, divorce isn’t much different from breakup. But the key is not to hide or deceive. If it’s not mentioned at the first meeting, it should be clarified by the second.

People’s focus on rigid conditions doesn’t mean they ignore soft factors. After passing all the hardware checks, they might still discuss values, interests, and whether the soul is compatible—whether it’s “true love.” But that’s very difficult.

/ Changes in the Economic Environment Tighten Social Matching /

Initially, people approached matchmaking with the goal of social matching—parents in the system wouldn’t marry their children to rural families, single daughters from Jiangsu and Zhejiang wouldn’t marry “Fenghuang men” (men from less developed areas), and so on. But in that era, matchmaking and marriage were still the most important and convenient ways to achieve social mobility. We saw both men and women exchanging age for wealth, looks for high marriage, or entering into arrangements to inherit family businesses.

Now, achieving true social mobility through matchmaking and marriage is nearly impossible. Today’s social matching is essentially a “one-to-one” precise match, making it hard for obvious disparities to occur. Especially for men—if a few years ago, as long as their economic conditions were good, they didn’t care much about a woman’s background or financial status because traditional marriage templates assumed men should be stronger. But now, things are different.

▲ Image / “Story of Roses”

We’ve served clients with substantial assets, like a successful entrepreneur with ample funds. His standard for a partner is: very beautiful, very young, top university graduate, and from a good family. I remember a girl born in the 2000s from a top-tier family in Shenzhen with an A8.5 level, willing to match with an A9 asset man in his 80s. Almost all conditions were met.

I think the reason “social matching” is tightening is fundamentally due to economic changes. This is especially evident in men. Many male clients say that earning money has become harder, and they’re afraid that divorce would lead to significant financial loss. If they marry someone with a big income gap, they worry about losing more in a divorce. Their caution is very high.

Currently, we all face uncertainty about the future. No one wants to marry someone whose economic conditions are much worse than their own. People dislike risk.

An extreme case is the man with two companies I mentioned earlier, who wants to have children with a woman but not get married. Very absurd. With his financial conditions, he could easily find a well-off woman, marry normally, and start a family. His “over-defense” approach isn’t smart—women who accept such conditions probably have already calculated the “return on investment” silently.

This mindset reflects a significant shift in how people view marriage today. In the past, marriage was about family, love, and a safe harbor. Now, more and more see marriage as a “business partnership,” a way to grow and strengthen the “family company.” It’s a highly capitalized, market-oriented view of marriage.

When marriage becomes like doing business, some seek to “restructure assets” through marriage. This can be a form of indirect social mobility—what we might call “marriage debt restructuring.” In recent years, with the housing market declining and some people losing money on property investments or facing job instability, they may be burdened with debts exceeding a million yuan. Some well-off individuals try to exchange looks for high bride prices or use entering into a marriage as a way to get a dowry to pay off debts.

▲ Image / “Ordinary People Song”

/ The Era Has Changed, and So Has Matchmaking /

The low success rate of matchmaking is influenced by many environmental factors.

First, the physical distance in city life. Everyone is too busy now. Meeting someone on weekends costs a lot—if you work in Beijing’s Xierqi tech zone and I work in Chaoyang, choosing a halfway meeting point means a 1.5-hour commute each way, totaling three hours. After that, you still need to have tea, dine, or plan other activities—an entire day’s effort, more exhausting than work.

We’ve encountered similar situations in Shanghai. A user in Jiading, and the other person in Pudong—neither willing to meet because it’s too far. Even within the same city, crossing districts makes meeting difficult.

Another factor is the widespread awareness of gender equality, which in some ways reduces matchmaking success.

Recently, I heard about a case where we arranged a coffee date for a girl and a guy. The guy arrived, didn’t order for the girl, didn’t order anything himself, only asked for a glass of water. The girl was immediately turned off, and they didn’t enjoy the conversation, quickly parting ways.

Honestly, I was surprised. First meetings at a coffee shop cost only a few dozen yuan. If the guy isn’t willing to buy the girl a drink, I find it hard to understand. After so many years in this industry, I still can’t figure out why some people agree to meet at a coffee shop but refuse to pay.

The guy explained that since they just met, it’s equal, so no need to buy for the other. If there’s a chance to meet again, he might consider paying.

Platforms like Li Xiang Dao, Mo Shang Hua Kai, Qing Teng Zhi Lian mostly attract graduates from top universities—985, 211, or overseas elite schools. These people have received the best education and are the earliest to embrace gender equality ideas. Logically, they should be the most progressive.

▲ Image / “Story of Roses”

But they actually operate under two different templates:

One is the traditional marriage model—male dominance, female dependence;

The other is the gender equality model—both sides split expenses equally, women can also choose men.

The problem is, which template they use often depends on which benefits them more. Human nature is selfish; everyone wants to maximize their own advantage. The man who refuses to buy coffee is typical. He believes in equality when paying, because it benefits him; but when choosing a partner, he prefers someone more beautiful, younger, and with less wealth than himself, because that benefits him too. People jump between these two templates, with the core standard being: whichever benefits me more.

We are still in a “narcissism era.” With social media, everyone carefully crafts their online image, maintaining a perfect “front” to get likes and followers. Over time, many lose objective awareness of themselves. Many clients, with average conditions, have ridiculously high standards for their match. It often takes multiple encounters to realize they’re not as popular as they thought, and they gradually adjust expectations.

Many post-00s are anxious about marriage, even more so than their parents. We’ve seen many parents registering accounts for their children, most of whom are highly educated.

I remember a female professor whose daughter, a post-00s girl, is shy and kind but socially awkward. She fears her daughter can’t meet suitable men on her own, so she wants to meet potential partners herself and then recommend them to her daughter.

Another retired parent, whose daughter studied at Oxford and Cambridge in the UK, is 178cm tall and earns a high income. He’s very anxious and personally involved in finding a match for her.

But parents’ efforts often aren’t as effective as the children’s own search. Their standards are even more strict. Plus, platforms don’t allow proxy registration, so we advise them to let their children use their own accounts.

Since graduating from Shanghai Jiao Tong University with a master’s degree in 2015, I’ve been providing matchmaking services for ten years, mainly for users from 985, 211, and top overseas universities. I admit I might be in an information bubble—most of those who come to me are very eager to get married. My observations may not represent the whole.

But one thing is certain: matchmaking reflects huge societal changes. Economic shifts and social ideologies indirectly influence the emotional lives of people today.

Now, those who manage to find each other through matchmaking often share some traits. They tend to be pragmatic, with a “commit and move on” attitude. When they feel love, they stick with it and stop looking elsewhere. Only with such a belief in love can they more easily find a suitable marriage partner. Otherwise, they keep choosing and remain unsatisfied.